Oh my sweet succulent poppy seed shortbread it's been busy around here today.
This is the first break I have gotten all day, and I wasn't sure what to do first: drink/eat something, run to the bathroom, go outside for some fresh air, or check my email. As usual, my bathroom needs came first. I live my life on the edge.
Paperwork is still underway regarding my condo loan processing. My lender was not able to get it out yesterday, so I will get via FedEx tomorrow. Sometimes I just want to grab people's collar bones and drag them over to the task at hand. This is what my mother would do when she desired our full attention and wanted us to do something right away. I am beginning to think that a good 90% of humanity needs to have their collar bones grabbed with some regularity.
Last night on the bus I was standing near the back exit door as my stop was next. On the wall of the bus, in the little pamphlet holder which usually holds CTA maps or CTA newsletters or such items was a flyer that said in big bold letters "SURVEY: Intelligence Test." Huh, I thought.
Since when does an intelligence test come in a
survey form, I also thought? Isn't a survey based on either demographics or opinion, and isn't an intelligence test based on stored knowledge of facts and/or figures as well as the ability to problem-solve in a set amount of time? Still, I grabbed one of the tests as I exited the bus, thinking it would be something to do to pass the time while I waited for my second bus to arrive.
NOTE: I would scan and post this piece of paper--back and front-- if I could. But unfortunately my scanner here at work will only allow pdf files and this here blogger seems to need a jpeg file in order to post. I have tried and
tried to get around this scanner issue, as I have wanted to scan personal documents at work before, but alas, it does not seem possible. And I don't want to complain too loudly for fear of drawing attention to the fact that, um, I am scanning personal documents at work.
Anyway, you will just have to trust me when I say that this slip of paper was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read. I will post some of the contents here---it is
far too long to type out in its entirety (especially the answers section on the back side)---but hopefully I will give you enough content to give you an inkling of what I encountered as I read it for the first time. In addition, in another bit of editing for ease of use, I will post the answers immediately after each question instead of on the reverse side as it existed on the original document. OK, here we go:
SURVEY: Intelligence Test1) What is the name of the raised print that deaf people use?
A: Deaf people don't use raised print.
2) Is it possible to end a sentence with the word "the?"
A: The question is an example of one.
3) Spell the word "shop." What do you do when you come to a green light?
A: Go.
4) Spell the word "silk." What do cows drink?
A: Water.
5) It is noon. You look at the clock. The big hand is on the three and the little hand is on the five. What time is it?
A: Noon.
6) How many of each animal did Moses take onto the ark?
A: None. It was Noah.
7) Is there a God?
A: --------------WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE DID THIS STUPID INTELLIGENCE TEST/SURVEY JUST ASK ME IF THERE WAS A GOD?
People, it did. We went from seemingly innocent yet idiotic trickster-type questions which focus on your listening/reading skills to perhaps one of the most asked and most overly answered questions of humanity.
What the freak????!!!!!
I will not even bother to type out the answer to this last question as given by the "test," but suffice it to say that it was "Yes," followed by a lengthy paragraph which quoted the Bible.
Ahhhhhhhhhh. Now I get it. This Survey/Intelligence Test was the marketing product of some Christian organization. I searched the sheet for fine print, and there it was waaaaayyyy at the bottom in about a negative six sized font. There was a phone number and an address somewhere in California as well. Suddenly I was not so much interested in gauging my intelligence in the form of a survey as I was in seeing this group's particular view of the universe. Nothing like catching casual quiz-taking bus riders unawares, I always say!
People, the questions only got crazier as I moved down the page. We went from "Is there a God?" to "Does God care about right and wrong?" (guess what
that answer was) to "Will God punish sin?" What the
dickens do these questions have to do with a person's intelligence? Well never mind that, because of course we got to the crux of the matter not too long after that question, which of course was, "Is there a Hell?" and "Do you avoid Hell by living a good life?"
It seems to me that all the Christian materials that get handed out or left for the general public to peruse always come down to the issue of hell, don't they? What's up with that? Is the concept of hell so provocative that everyone just gets sucked in by the idea? Is it like a cavity you cannot help but stick your tongue into repeatedly even though each time the pain is so excruciating that you almost hit the ceiling? Or perhaps the idea of hell genuinely scares some people enough that they actually re-evaluate their religious or spiritual beliefs.
Really?Ya got me.
But I will say this: if there
is a hell, I am sure it will be clogged up with a paper trail of just this sort of free literature: badly worded, nonsensical, blatantly slanted, and slyly fear inducing. And after you are forced to read each and every one of these miserable publications you are made to fill them out with a pen that uses flesh-eating acid instead of ink and then turn it in to be graded by a demon teacher who tells you that you failed and need to be sent back to the third grade in another part of hell where you are forced to sit in homeroom naked, eat school lunches of gravy over slices of white bread, and not ever be chosen for the kickball team.
I shall never again pick up indiscriminate free bus literature. Lesson learned.
